Quit Making Out In Comedy Shows

I'm so sick and tired of couples making out in middle of a comedy show. It's incredibly disrespectful; and it happens all the time. I don't understand how some guy telling dick jokes in a dark and dirty room, is such an aphrodisiac. It only shows how desperate and co-dependant two people are. First of all, it's often a couple sitting in the first couple of rows, or in the back of the room. The couple sitting up front want everyone to see how in love they are to deflect from two things: that the man keeps trying to look down the waitresses blouse; and the woman keeps laughing a little too hard at the comic's jokes. He keeps his arm around her, and kisses her every time she laughs at a joke, that way every other guy in the room doesn't get confused and think she's alone. She holds his hand because the second she lets go, he's going to try to fuck the woman sitting two rows behind them. And if I confront them about their public displays of affliction, they always get embarrassed and suprised that anyone was watching them. No one cares about you and your woman; and no one else wants to fuck either of you. So get over yourselves for a second and enjoy a show that you paid good money for.

The other couple always sits in the back of the room, as far away from the stage as they can get without leaving the room. These two take turns sitting in each others' laps and telling each other how wonderful they are. She tells him how much funnier he is than the comic on stage, and he tells her that he would never make fun of her like the comic on stage is making fun of his girlfriend. These two can't be bothered with the show at all, and are annoyed at how loud it is. So they have to talk louder and louder themselves, that way they can hear each other. These two are cheating on other people with each other. That is why they are hiding in a dark and dirty comedy showroom instead of at a romantic Italian restaurant. This couple when confronted for bother the people around them will get defensive and belligerant. The will want to know why I am bothering them. "Just tell your jokes. We're not stopping you. You're not even that funny."

These are the same people that make out and talk during an action-comedy movie. Neither couple should be allowed to continue the behavior. They should be warned once, then sprayed with the garden hose and sent out into the dark, frozen night.

I tell you all this to premise a story that happened recently at Giggles' open mic. Here it is:

I was sitting in the back of the room at Gigles waiting to go up. I was next. Andrew Sleighter was on stage, and doing very well with some newer jokes (that I helped him work out that day). A couple came into the showroom and sat right behind me. Then they immediately started talking, kissing, and climbing all over each other. They were instantly distracting. In a matter of seconds, I was ready to murder the both of them. It wasn't even that I could hear their voices over Andrew's. What set me off, was that thirty seconds into their face suck-off party, Sleighter told a joke the crowd liked and got a big laugh; and the girl said "That's not even funny." She hadn't been listening to a word he was saying, heard a punchline out of context, saw that it was well-received, and felt the need to make a shitty, bitchy comment about it.

I was going to politely ask them to keep it down, since I didn't want to cause a scene right before I went up, but decided after her comment to flash the flashlight in their faces instead. I gave them a light, just like you give a comic to let them know it is time to wrap it up, except I was three feet away from them. It took a second for them to realize what I just did, then the guy asked out loud "Did that guy just shine a flashlight at us? Maybe we should quiet down." That lasted all of fifteen seconds, until the girl started stroking his hair and kissing him, and TALKING again. This time I did say something. "Do you guys mind taking it out to the bar where you're not going to bother the people around you?" They got instantly defensive. "What? We're not even talking that loud." So I asked them "Why would you pay to get into a comedy show you don't want to watch, and sit in the back of the room to make out? Go suck face somewhere else."

That was when Sleighter said "That's my time everyone. Your next comic is Mike Cummings."

Another Level

Since the SICC, I've hit some sort of growth spurt. I was doing the same seven minutes for two months straight, and three shows into the contest, I realized it wasn't working. I was so stiff. I wasn't trying to have a good time; I was trying not to fuck up. That's not what I want. I want to have fun on stage.

On the fourth night of the contest, Nick Sun from Australia had a "snap set". That is where a comic loses it on stage somehow. Usually, it means they go apeshit on the crowd. For Nick, it was going really long, and making fun of the other comics in the contest. I thought it was so hilarious. There were several of us in the green room listening to Nick on the p.a. system. While he was up there, some of the comics were bitching and complaining about how unprofessional and selfish and disrespectful it was of him to do it. A couple of people, who I don't fucking like anyway, were shitting all over it. At the same time, Nick was killing. The crowd loved it. He did twice the time allowed, and got disqualified for the night. At the end of his set, he asked the crowd to "Boo" him off stage. They did, and it was awesome. Then the host gave him his outro, and the audience cheered him for an encore point; and when he came back to receive it, they booed him again.

It was great to see the participation between the audience and Nick, and it inspired me. So I decided to change a couple of jokes to what I thought is funny, instead of what I thought they would like. I went out there and had fun; and it worked. I had a better score that night. On the next night, I did the same thing: I went out to have a good time. I even shit on the junior college we were at, and made fun of them for being too stupid to get into a real college. It went great. It turned out to be the only night I placed. And even though I didn't finish well in the contest, I feel totally satisfied. I have a lot of respect for several of the comics in my week. Some, I have little or none. That doesn't matter. I'd rather lose in ever contest against them and stay true to myself.

Continuing...

Since the contest, I've been trying to get away from having rigid, structured sets. I've been fucking around a lot on stage. Guess what. It's working. I was able to feature two weeks ago at the Underground because of a late cancellation. I had four really fun sets, including a show in front of my parents, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. All of the shows were good, and the late show on Saturday turned out to be the best set I've had in maybe a year. I was so relaxed and loose. Just being lucky, I happened to tape that show (the only show I taped all week). I turned it into my new promo video.

This last weekend, I got to co-headline Laughs with Andrew Sleighter. Four more terrific shows. And this time, I spent half the set each show yelling at the audience and bitching about all the things I hate about waiting tables and being stuck in traffic. It was a blast, and the crowd really liked it. I'm telling you; I'm really on to something.

Well, I hate not writing for a while, because I end up doing mini novels on here. I'll work on being a little more consistent. I'll keep you posted.

The Seattle International Comedy Competition

I've been a little busy this last couple of weeks. I was participating in the SICC. I say "participating" because that's what it felt like. I finished 9th out of 16. The first three shows were miserable. I was so worried about screwing up, that I didn't have any fun. The last three shows were great, too little too late. I didn't look at the scores for any of the nights until it was all over. When I did, I found that my scores were very inconsistent. One judge would give me his highest score, while another judge in the same show would give me his lowest score. I actually took a lot of encouragement from that. I don't want everyone to like me. I don't like most people. I want my comedy to reflect my personal life. There are plenty of people in my life that don't like me; but the won't forget me. It should be the same when I'm on stage.

i'm breaking down

i'm in a comedy contest this week, and i'm not having fun. i'm avoiding my scores all week; so i only know i haven't been in the top five yet. it's getting to me. i'm reevaluating my whole set, and considering going to the awkward personal route for tonight. i want to be committed to my set like i promised myself, but i'm not enjoying myself on stage. it's worse than usual. i'll let you know what i decide and how it worked out.

this is my new bitch site

i got into another FB fight with a booker. i talked to Sleighter (Andrew) about it, and he told me i should stop posting so much on FB. so i've decided to use this blog as my super negative bitch site. i like to write my rants out, edit them, and read them over and over again. something about looking at them on paper (or screen), makes them beautiful to me. there is a poetry in the way i complain, but only when i write my complaints down. there is a symmetry to them.

i'd bitch right now, but i'm tired. so i'll be back soon

Don Rickles

i went to see Don Rickles at the Snoqualmie Casino last night. my ticket was free, and yet i had a great seat in the second row of the center section, right in front of Don. he was amazing. he had a small orchestra accompaniment. the band leader was a wrinkled old guy, who played the perfect heel. Don just shit all over him, and he took it over and over with a stone face. Don kept dropping his microphone on the ground, then he would give the band leader some kind of condescending gesture or just yell "hey you!", then this poor old man would come waddling around from behind his piano and pick up the microphone to hand back to Don. it was so cute.

the show was great. he had a mix of songs and harassing the audience. then he pulled me out of the audience to come on stage with him and make fun of me. i was terrified. he made fun of my clothes and how fat i am and being Irish. he asked me what i do for a living, and i told him i'm a waiter. one of my favorite local headliners was in the audience, Duane Goad, and i heard him laugh out loud when i said it. Don asked me what i aspire to be, and i told him a comic. i've never been so ashamed of being a comic before. standing with a legend like him makes me feel like a fraud. but he was very sweet to me, and even whispered some encouragement to me. then he hugged me. it was part of the bit, but it felt very genuine. he held me for a very long time; so i honestly started hugging him. for a laugh, i slid my hands down his back almost to his ass, and started rocking side to side. i could hear the band guys laughing. it was great. he brought another guy on stage, and we did some old bit of his where we played Japanese Kamikaze fighter pilots. it was a lot of fun. he even dropped the microphone and made me pick it up for him. i didn't want to leave the stage. i just wanted to follow him around for the rest of the night.

he sent me a bottle of champagne, which i will keep for a long time. it's just cheap champagne, but it has a sticker of his face on the bottle, and a great story to go with it. what a great experience.

i wanted so much to go ask him to sign the bottle after the show, but the guy is 83 years old, and it was 930pm; plus i'm sure he's got a million people bothering him after every show. so i left it alone. he said he's coming back to Seattle. so maybe i'll get that chance.

Don Rickles is a sweet, charming, classy man, and a legend. just to see him live, and in the great seats we had, was more than i could ask for. but to get to meet him like that, and be on stage with him; i hope it's one of those ironic moments in my life: he got pulled on stage by Don Rickles, then he won the Seattle International Comedy Competition. something like that. i hope i can put it in my book in ten years, when i write about how i became a famous comedian.

i only got one picture out of it, and it's not very good, but i'm posting it with this blog anyway. so.. for you to enjoy: ...

moving in, and Hooters

i am all unpacked in the new place. i love it. i've cooked myself dinner three times already. there are a couple of things: a noisy fridge, and a noisy water heater. but those sounds are rhythmic. i'll get used to them quick. here are a couple of pictures of the new place.

last night, i did a show at a Hooters Casino. it was fun, but it was a slow start. there was some fat piece of shit sitting in the front with his back to me. then he pretended he wanted to be left alone. i'm still pissed about it now. a four year old kid acts like that. i called him fat and ugly, then i refocused, and the rest of my act went fine. i need to learn how not to let those kinds of pricks get to me. there is no reason why one asshole should be allowed to ruin a show for other people who are glad to be there. i'm actually cheating them out of what they want, and giving him exactly what he wants.