If you're paying for lunch, you're also obligated to tip appropriately

It happens all the time: three people will be at a table for lunch; the check comes; and all three of them start arguing over who is going to pay. They don't argue who HAS to pay; they argue who GETS to pay. You're probably thinking that would be better for me the server, because then I can assume they're all generous; you're wrong. When everyone fights over the check, the winner feels extremely self righteous and magnanimous. Why should they then have to prove their generosity further by tipping the server? It never fails. In fact, the bigger deal that is made over who gets to pay, the shittier my tip tends to be. The only time it ever works out for me, is the silent gesture: The person nods to me, points to them self, and gives me the "check" sign. Those people always tip well, because they are honestly generous, and not doing it for show.

I would rather people fought over the check because no one wanted to pay. If no one wants to pay, then often times, whoever gets stuck with the check will over-tip so that they can feel more like a martyr. They need that extra 20-25% stacked onto the total so they can hold it over every one's head later. "That lunch cost me $75." "What?! The check was only $60." "Well, I had to leave a tip too, didn't I?" Now they are the generous one, and their friends are the cheap pieces of shit.

If you pick up a check, you are obligated to tip as well as best tipper at the table. If THEY had won the fight, that's how much they would have tipped. So that's how much YOU have to tip. It shouldn't ever cost the server money because the wrong person paid the check. That drives me crazy.

I don't even know why I'm ranting about this. You should tip 20% anyway. It shouldn't matter how you ended up with the check, or even if you wanted the check in the first place. Those are the risks you take when you hang out with losers: sometimes they don't have the money. You still have to fulfill your obligation to your server. Don't blame him because you have deadbeat friends.

And sign the fucking slip already!!! Why is it that the last table of my shift always sits there for 45 minutes with an unsigned credit slip? You don't want any more food; you don't want any more drinks; you don't even want any more water; so sign the slip. There is nothing else for me to do. You don't require any further service from me. So you can't still be deciding how much to tip me. You're just sitting there, ignoring the slip, because you're an inconsiderate and selfish person. You must think I have all day long to just sit around, waiting for you to sign the credit card slip, with your shitty 10% tip (that's another one I've learned: the longer it takes for someone to sign their slip, the shittier my tip tends to get). Signing the slip doesn't mean you have to leave. It just lets me, your server, focus on whatever "side-work" I have to take care of. You'll prove yourself to be not only magnanimous, but a considerate "champion" of the working class.